Who Knows Which Way the River of Fate May Turn
It seems like only yesterday, yet as I think back to those days, I remember how, for the whole of that final month, Edward was unnaturally pensive. He barely spoke to me, his wife Margaret. I kept watching him, worrying to myself:
Hes definitely not well. Hell be forty-five soon, and I was planning to throw a birthday party for him at that lovely tea room. Looks like Ill need to drag him to the doctors for a check-upgood thing Ive connections at the clinic. Hell need some blood tests, maybe a full check
I confided these worries to my oldest friend, Helen, who surprised me by saying:
When my Richard fell in love with someone else, he was just like thatmoody and distracted.
Oh, please, Helen, dont start, I replied, brushing aside her words. Dont go comparing your Richard to my Edward.
And what makes your Edward any better than my Richard? she retorted.
Well, thats just ithe isnt. Your Richard is charming, always making the ladies laugh and flutter their eyelashes at him. My Edward, on the other hand, could barely string a sentence together. I even had to propose to him myself back in our youth! And if I hadnt moved in with him, I suspect hed still be a bachelor now.
Only last year, Helen had caught Richard with another woman. I did my best to comfort her.
Just let him go, Helen. Focus on yourself, stop crying and throw that traitor out.
Helen did just that, for a timethrew Richard out, cut her hair short (new look! she told everyone), spent her evenings flirting and laughing in pubs and coffee shops. Frankly, she shocked me. That wasnt the self-care Id meant: Id dreamed of her joining a course, taking up dance, immersing herself in learning, or perhaps the gym. But not Helenno, she wallowed in her new freedom.
But eventually, Helen forgave Richard. I never quite understood her decision.
I could never forgive Edward like that, I would think.
Edward and I, after all, had been married for agesit must be at least twenty-six years now. Weve seen so much together, raised two sonssoon wed see our twilight years together, Id hoped. Though we werent old yet, Id already asked the family about organising a special celebration for Edwards birthday. Id surprise him with the details later.
We married just before university ended. We met on a hiking trip; studied different subjects but both lived in Oxford. On the fourth year, our departments somehow ended up on the same camping trip. It was by the fire that I first noticed Edward, so shy and quiet I almost missed him. I worked up the nerve eventually, and found myself gently mothering him, even sewing up his shirt after hed torn it on a branch.
Edward lugged my rucksack through half the Lake District, and before we knew it, wed grown close. What started as friendship blossomed into love, though I had to confess my feelings first. And then, after an awkward silence, he admitted,
Margaret, I think Ive fallen for you, too.
Well, then, I told him, we really ought to live together. Ill move my things in with you, and we can sort the registry office.
He didnt protest. So, I packed up and moved into the little house he shared with his granny, old Maude. Edwards father was delightedMaude was his mother, and Edwards own mum had refused to speak to her since their youth. She wouldnt care for her mother-in-law, so Edward, ever soft-hearted, moved in when Maude took ill. And now, I took over the care.
Edward, dear, Maude would chuckle, your Margarets a marvelshe runs this house with a brisk hand. Shes just the wife you need. Soon as youre wed, this house will be yours. Treasure her.
So we married, and not long after, Maude passed peacefully. Sons came one after the other; the eldest now twenty-three, the youngest twenty-one. Life was tranquil, annual trips to Cornwall or Bournemouth or even that jaunt to Turkey. The boys always with us. Still, over this last year, Edward seemed ever more distant. Then he muttered one evening,
I dare say, lifes nearly gone by, and weve seen precious little of it for ourselves, Maggie.
I was furious.
What nonsense! Weve never spent a holiday at homeremember Scotland, the sea, all those road trips through Devon! We brought up the boys, soon grandchildren will come!
But he just waved a tired hand and fell quiet, glancing at me with a look I didnt understand, which I brushed aside.
So many thoughts of my own occupied me.
Edward, do you think we should ask George and Annie to your party? Theyre our friends, after all, even if they are living in Bath now.
What party? he looked genuinely surprised.
Your birthday, of course! Forty-five, in that new tea room?
Was it odd that he seemed so lost? He gave me a strange look that day.
Now, I think back on that evening, the one where I sat alone on the sofa, staring at the carpet, unable even to cry. I never imagined it could happen to me.
Edward came home early from work, which hed not done in years.
Evening, he said, sitting himself at the kitchen table without taking off his mackintosh.
Evening, Ed. Take off your coat and wash up, dinners ready, I called in that familiar way of ours.
But Edward stared at his hands, silent.
Maggie, Im leaving you. Im sorry, he said quietly.
Leaving? What do you mean, leaving? Take off your coat, come sit down. Have you come down with something? I suspected as much lately. Well get you to a consultant
He raised his head and met my eyes directly.
Im not ill. This isnt about the doctor. Maggie, Ive fallen in love. Ive been seeing someone at work these past two years.
Someone younger? I asked sharply.
No. Shes not younger, just someone different. Not a beautya woman, a real woman
And what am I then, Edward? I asked, amazed.
You? Edward shook his head, as if ridding himself of a cobweb. Youre my keeper. Im your dog on a lead. I cant take a step without your say-so. You make all the decisionswhere we eat, go on holiday, what I wear, even my birthday plans. You never let me go to the football because theres nothing there for decent people, but I love the game.
But I do it for you, Ed, for your own good I started, but he cut me short.
You handle all the money. I have to ask for a fiver for a pint or some cigarettes. Maggie, you dont understand how belittling that is for a man. I cant even join my mates in the pub after work. I never have a penny in my pocket, he said softly, as was his way.
I knelt in front of him, peering into his face.
Its how weve always done things, Ed, why rebel now? Look, if thats what you want, I can give you cash for Friday drinks, well go to the football, shop for your clothes how you like
He just gave me that odd look again.
Maggie, youre missing the point, he raised his voicea rare thing, which startled me. I want space to breathe, to decide for myself, to eat what I fancy and go where I like. Im never anywhere without you, never have a moments peace in my own mind. Everything is your way. You nursemaid me like an invalid, you make all the choices.
And she? She lets you be a man? I asked bitterly.
She does. She lets me care for her, lets me feel like a man. Do you understand?
I saw such a spark in Edwards eyes I hadnt seen since our youth. He was alive again. Thats when it hit mehe was in love, truly in love.
But at our age? Its unseemlywhatever must people think? I muttered, and then aloud, Edward, dont throw away our family for a passing fancywhat will everyone say, after all? People think were the perfect couple.
Who cares what they say, Maggie? What perfect family?
Suddenly I realisedEdward was staging a rebellion, turning our life upside down, and I couldnt stop him. For the first time, I broke down and cried.
Maggie, are you crying? he asked, surprised.
I wrapped my arms around him, desperately, but he gently removed them, got up, and quietly packed a suitcase. Without another word, he left the house. The silence that followed was deafening.
Did I ever imagine Fate would bend so sharply, turning me in an instant from a contented wife to a solitary woman facing old age alone?
I rang Helen, who came right over to soothe me.
Maggie, dont be so glum, she said, trying to sound cheerful. Were not done for yet! Remember how you encouraged metake a course, keep busy? Well, those courses never meant anything in the end. My Richard had his fling, but he begged my forgiveness and loves me all the more now. Maybe your Edward will come back to you as well. Though I could tell Helen didnt really believe itEdward wasnt like Richard.
No, Helen, my Edwards gone for good this time. You should have heard what he said. I know himhe wont return.
After Helen left, I sat for hours, staring at the carpet, purposeless. Whom would I care for, order about, organise? So, I would have to learn to live alone. Or perhaps, just perhaps, the river of fate will bring me to another shore yet. Who knows where its currents may lead?
