Blimey, Dad, look at the welcome youre getting! And why the fuss about that spa break when its all-inclusive at home?
When David handed Eva the keys to his flat, she felt triumphant, like someone storming Buckingham Palace. No Oscar winner had ever awaited their prize with such hope as Eva had waited for Davidand now, she had her own nest.
Thirty-five, forlorn and disillusioned, Eva found herself often gazing at stray cats and eyeing Crafts & Hobbies shop windows with a longing sigh.
Then came David: solitary, his youth spent building a career, eating kale, hitting the gym and all that other self-improvement nonsense, childless, and ripe for change.
Since her twenties, Eva had been wishing for this gift, and apparently, fate finally called her bluff.
My last business trip of the year, and then Im all yours, David promised, pressing the precious keys into her hand. Dont get spooked by the state of my den. I only ever come home to sleep, he joked, and was off, jetting across time zones for the weekend.
Eva packed her toothbrush and face cream, bracing herself for the unknown territory ahead. Trouble greeted her at the door. David had warned her the lock sometimes jammed, but she hadnt imagined this.
She fought with that door for forty minutes: pushing, pulling, fiddling with the key, politely trying to coax the lock, but it refused to yield.
Desperate, she resorted to psychological tactics, as her schoolmates had taught her behind the garages years ago. The commotion drew out a neighbour.
Are you trying to break in? came a worried female voice.
Im not breaking in, Ive got the keys, fumed Eva, wiping the sweat from her brow.
And you are? The neighbour persisted, nosing where she didnt belong.
Im his girlfriend! Eva declared, hands planted firmly on her hipsthough she could only see a sliver of face through the barely-opened door.
You? The neighbour sounded astonished.
Yes, me. Some problem?
No, not really. Its just hes never brought anyone here before, the neighbour mused (Eva loved David even more for that), and then suddenly, you
What do you mean, you?
Oh, its none of my business. Sorry, the neighbour muttered, quietly closing her door.
Deciding it was now or never, Eva drove the key with all her pent-up passionand nearly broke the whole door frame. But the door finally creaked open.
Davids world lay exposed, and Eva felt a chill in her soul. Shed expected a degree of monk-like minimalism, but this was a real man-cave.
Poor soul, youve either forgotten or never known what comfort is, Eva couldn’t help but whisper, surveying the sparse room where shed be spending quite a lot of time.
On the upside, the neighbour hadnt lied: the place hadnt felt a womans touch, not the walls, nor the floor, nor the kitchen, nor the grey windows. Eva was the first.
Unable to bear it, she popped on her shoes and dashed to the nearest shop for a pretty shower curtain and a bathroom mat, oven mitts and kitchen towels.
At the shop, one thing led to another… To the mat and curtain she added scented candles, handmade soaps, and nifty containers for her cosmetics.
Adding a few touches to a boyfriends flat isnt cheeky at all, she reassured herself, hooking a second trolley to her first.
The lock gave up its resistance. In fact, it functioned less like a lock and more like a forgetful goalie whod left his helmet in the locker room.
Eva realised her mistake a little too late. With kitchen knives in hand, she wrestled out the old lock until midnight, and was at the B&Q first thing for a replacement. The knives needed upgrading, tooalong with the forks, spoons, a tablecloth, chopping boards, and hot pads. And of course, curtains were next on her list.
When David rang on Sunday, his trip running longer than planned, Eva admitted to a few decisive updates to his pad.
Id be glad for a touch of warmth and comfort in my flat, he laughed, happy when Eva confessed her redecorating spree.
Already, Eva had been shipping in home comforts and distributing them throughout the flat like a logistics manager with a ticking checklist. Years of pent-up nesting, unleashed at lastshe couldnt stop herself.
By the time David was due back, all that remained of his old life was a spider perched by the vent. Eva was tempted to evict it, but took pity on its eight frazzled eyes and left it as a symbol of non-interference, property law, and the like.
The flat now looked like it belonged to a man happily married for eight years, then disappointed by love, and finally happy in spite of it.
Eva not only tackled the flat, but made sure the entire block knew there was a new lady of the house now, and all queries should be addressed to her. No wedding band yet, but that was a mere technicality.
The neighbours eyed her suspiciously at first, then simply shrugged: Well, as you say. Doesnt bother us, reallyits up to you.
***
On Davids arrival day, Eva cooked a proper English supper, squeezed herself into her most glamorous and slightly risqué frock, set candles round the room, dimmed the new lights, and waited.
He was running late. As Evas outfit began to pinch in places shed spent months in the gym perfecting, someone turned a key in the lock.
The locks new, just give it a push, its open! Eva called out, a little embarrassed but undeniably sultry. She wasnt afraid of judgement. Shed done too good a job: all would be forgiven.
The moment the door opened, Eva received a sudden text from David: Where are you? Im home. The flat looks just the same. My mates warned me youd cram it with makeup!
Of course, Eva only saw this much later. For now, into the flat filed five complete strangers: two young men, two schoolkids, and a very old grandfather who instantly straightened, smoothing his wispy grey hair.
Well, Dad, youve got quite the reception here! Whyd you need a spa when youve got everything at home? piped up one young man, receiving a swift nudge from his wife for gawping.
Eva stood frozen in the doorway, two full wine glasses in hand, unable to move. She wanted to scream, but shock pinned her in place.
A happy little spider giggled from the corner.
Sorry, who who are you? Eva squeaked.
The owner of this fine establishment. Youre from the surgery, arent you, come to do my dressing? But I said I could manage, replied the old gent, eyeing Evas nurse-inspired attire.
Ahh, Mr Adamson, its really quite cosy and homely here, the young mans wife peered round Evas shoulder. Miles better, didnt half look dreary before. And, miss, whats your name? Isnt Mr Adamson a bit old for you? Though fair play, hes a respectable chap, owns his own place
EhEva
Oh! Youve got good taste in lodgers, Mr Adamson, Ill give you that!
Judging by the twinkle in the old mans eyes, he was rather happy with the situation as well.
Wheres David? Eva whispered. In her nerves, she drained both wine glasses in one go.
Im David! chirped the eight-year-old boy.
Not just yet, love, his mum said, steering both kids and her husband to the car.
P-pardon me, I think Ive knocked at the wrong flat, Eva stammered, memory flashing back to the troublesome lock. Is this Lilac Close, eighteen, flat twenty-six?
No, this is Beechwood Road, eighteen, said the old man, rubbing his hands, eyeing his unexpected gift.
So it is Eva sighed, tragedy dripping from every word. My mistake. Please, make yourselves comfortable, Ill just pop away for a moment.
She grabbed her phone and fled to the bathroom, barricading herself and bundled in a towel. Thats when she finally read Davids text.
David, Ill be home soon, just got held up at the shop, Eva replied.
No problem. If you get a chance, pick up a bottle of red? came Davids voice note.
Eva would be arriving with her own share of red by then. Scooping up the bathroom mat and curtain, she waited for the strangers to disappear into the kitchen, then darted out.
Sweeping her things into a carrier bag, she bolted from the flat.
***
Long story, Ill explain later, Eva mumbled, apologising for her state when David opened his door.
Moving as if underwater, she glided past him without a word, hung the new curtain in the bathroom, laid down the mat, then collapsed on the sofa, sleeping through until morning when the stress and the red finally drained away.
Waking up, she found David waiting, curiosity written all over his face.
Sorry, mate, but whats this address?
Botwell Avenue, eighteenEva blinked, then sat up, trying to smooth out her hair and the memories of last night. She looked at David, all questions and patience, his own version of home finally around him. For the first time, she realized just how much she could laugh at herself.
Lets just say I nearly hosted a family reunion for a man twice your age, she said, grinning.
David raised an eyebrow. Did you at least leave them a nice bathroom mat?
She burst out laughing, the sound echoing around the newly warm flat.
Well, the bathroom mat may be making someones day, somewhere. But this placeall of thisits ours now.
He walked over and pulled her to her feet, spinning her once around in their transformed living room, and the spider, undisturbed in its corner, watched the new couple stake their claim.
Good, he said quietly. Because I quite like seeing what you do with a space, even if you get the wrong address.
Eva leaned in, resting her head against his chest. Maybe thats how you find whats yours in life: you get lost once, just enough, and youre grateful you made it home.
And with the blocks newest legend safely tucked under his arm, David pressed a kiss to Evas forehead, and together, behind a secure, well-oiled lock, they began to fill every empty cornerwith laughter, with love, and with stories that would last much longer than any curtain or mat.
