Anyone with a job will appreciate my level of excitement when the doorbell rings on the only morning I actually get to sleep in.
Bleary-eyed and not quite conscious, my very first thoughtdont ask me whywas that something had burst a pipe. I dashed around the flat to check whether Id flooded the place again. Both the bathroom and the kitchen floors were mercifully dry, so it wasnt the downstairs neighboursthose poor folks Id managed to soak six months back.
Still, the doorbell kept going like an overenthusiastic woodpecker. I obediently shuffled to the door and, upon opening it, was immediately greeted by the sight of several suitcases, and, looming behind them, a handful of people.
Oh, Id never have recognised you on the street! declared an older lady, bestowing upon me what can only be described as a backhanded compliment.
Racking my brain, I desperately tried to recall who in blazes she was…
I peered at the young man accompanying her, who beamed broadly and thrust out a hand. Behind him, just visible, was another chap who, thank goodness, didnt try to add a cryptic comment to the mix. But the older woman continued: Well, what are you standing there for? Arent you going to let us in?
Pardon me, but what do you mean, let us in?
She gave me an exasperated look and charged on. Oh, you havent recognised your uncle? I looked after you when you were a tot! And this young man (gesturing at the smiling one) thats your cousin. Hes just come up to London to start university and has nowhere to stay. So, we thought, what better than for him to kip here with you? Well sort out a proper bed for him later, itll all be fine. Weve brought you some gifts! Hasnt your father called you?
No, he hasnt…
Oh, hes probably gone and forgotten, men are all the same! Never mindwell manage, she said briskly.
Sorry, what do you mean manage? Is he supposed to live here with me?
She looked utterly delighted. Absolutely, youll look after him! You know what its like for a young lad in a strange city.
I will not be looking after anyone, especially since my fiancé is often here. There just isnt space!
Well have to work out some sort of arrangement…
I dont want any sort of arrangement. There are student halls for a reasonI went through it myself, I protested.
No, absolutely not! she huffed, as if Id just suggested throwing him in the Thames.
My relatives were beginning to show signs of mutiny and attempted to wheel their suitcases past me into my flat. But I stood my ground. I quickly realised that if the luggage made it over the threshold, my slim chances of ridding myself of both guests and baggage would be squashed flat.
I politely but firmly asked everyone to wait five minutes, then promptly escorted them (and their impressive haul of suitcases) to the universitys student accommodationwhere Cousin Jack had in fact already secured a spot.
Naturally, this earned me accusations of heartlessness and selfishnesstheir beaming smiles faded away, and eventually, so did the relatives (plus those enormous suitcases).
A quick call to my parents later, I blurted: What on earth is this all about?
Mother, upon hearing the tale, managed to both be offended and lecture me on my complete lack of family spirit. Ah, nothing like family to pep up a perfectly good day off.
