Friday, June 14
Yesterday, my boyfriend said to me:
The lads are coming round on Saturday. Could you go stay with your parents?
I froze, my mug halfway to my lips.
James, not again?
Well, yeah. We do this once a month, you know that, he replied.
Of course, I did. Once a month, his mates gather at ours for board games, and every time he asks me to clear out for the night. Weve lived together for two years now. Im thirty-one, hes thirty-four. All his friends are in their early thirties too, and they all have girlfriends or wives. Yet Im the only one who has to leave when the boys night comes round.
So off I go to my grandmothers, back to my parents, or to a friends flat like a child shipped off for a sleepover so the grown-ups can have their fun. And it stings.
The First No Girls Night
It all started about eighteen months ago, just after wed moved in together.
James told me:
The lads are coming on Saturday. Well be playing some board games. Can you go somewhere?
I was surprised.
Why? This is our flat.
We want a lads night. No women, so its just us, bit of a laugh.
Do the other girlfriends go elsewhere?
No, but they live alone or with housemates. Since we share a one-bed, itd be awkward for you.
I thought, Fine, let them have their first one undisturbed. So I packed an overnight bag and stayed at a friends.
James came back looking well pleased with himself.
Thanks for going. It was great.
A month later again:
The lads this weekend. Could you go to your parents?
Another month, off to Grans. The next, to another friend. And so its gone once a month for a year and a half, I grab my bag and make myself scarce for no girls allowed.
What Really Bothers Me
The other day, I learned that none of his mates girlfriends disappear when they host these nights.
I asked one, Emma shes with Tom, James oldest friend:
Emma, where do you go when they have their games night?
She looked at me, completely baffled.
I dont go anywhere! I stay home and do my own thing. They play in one room, I read or watch telly in the other.
And they dont mind?
Of course not. Its my flat too.
I asked two other girlfriends. Same answer. Im the odd one out.
When I confronted James, I said:
Why do you always ask me to leave, but none of the other girls do?
He thought and shrugged.
Well their flats are bigger two, even three bedrooms. Youd have nowhere to go here, itd be awkward.
Im fine in the living room. Ill stick some headphones on, read a book.
Really, just go. Its easier for everyone.
Everyone. Meaning them, not me. Its more comfortable for them if I vanish.
What Makes Me Feel Small: Leaving My Own Flat
Every time I pack my bag for the night, I feel like a guest in my own home. I pay half the rent, I live there but once a month, Im politely asked to leave for the mens social.
Off I go to Grans she always asks:
Not another spat?
No, Gran, James friends are coming over.
But why cant you stay at home?
Im embarrassed to explain that my boyfriend prefers me out of the way for his mates.
When I stay with my parents, Mum looks puzzled.
You were here yesterday. Whats up?
Its James lads night, Mum.
She says nothing, but that look she gives says it all.
The Double Standards
James always says Im low-maintenance, lucky to have me because, in his words, other girls demand fancy dinners, presents and holidays.
Some couples go to restaurants twice a week, he says. Youre not bothered. You understand.
Hes right. I dont ask for much. We have a takeaway once a month if that. Havent had a holiday together in two years.
Some people I know travel every six months. But you never complain. Thats brilliant.
I dont complain because I know moneys tight. Well, he does alright, but still.
But the one time I ask to stay home for a boys night, suddenly Im too demanding.
Surely you can spend one night at your parents? Its not hard.
Not hard, no. Just pack my things, give up my own bed for the night, lodge at my parents because he needs a night off women.
Im not asking for anything extravagant. Just to stay at home. But even thats apparently too much.
James Mum: The Sane Voice
Recently, his mum found out and took my side.
Why are you leaving? This is your home, sweetheart. Stay, meet Jamess friends, get to know them!
I tried to explain.
They say its lads-only mens night in, you know.
She shook her head.
Youre part of his life, you should be included. If hes hiding you from his mates, thats odd.
Shes right. Two years in, and I barely know any of his friends I nip out when they arrive, see them in passing and thats it.
Really, I avoid it because meeting new people scares me. Easier to go than to be the awkward one sitting in the corner. Maybe Im afraid theyll think: Why does she have to leave? Is James making her?
What I Just Learned: Hes Not Even Properly Included
Recently, I found out that if James cant make one of their gatherings, they just meet without him. No one texts, no one asks if he wants to come along later.
Why did they get together without you? I asked.
I couldnt go, so they still met up.
They didnt invite you at all?
No. Maybe they forgot.
Forgot, or didnt want to.
And apparently, three of them have got married in the last couple of years. James wasnt invited to any of the weddings.
Why werent you at Toms wedding? I asked.
Oh, I think it was just close family, maybe funds were tight.
Or maybe hes not as close to them as he thinks.
He makes a fuss about hosting, makes me leave my home for his mates and they dont even include him in big moments.
Facing Up: Why Dont I Demand More?
Ive been asking myself all week: why dont I push for a holiday or a nice meal out? Why do I accept moving out of my own place once a month?
Im scared. Scared that if I become demanding, hell leave me.
James always praises me Youre so understanding and Im terrified to ruin that image, to be seen as the difficult girlfriend.
So I pack my bags, keep quiet and go. Each time, a little more of me disappears.
But the more I think about it, the more I know: this cant go on.
Where I Am Now: A Choice
Saturday is nearly here. Another lads night. James has already said:
Youll head to your parents, yeah?
I didnt answer. Im still deciding: should I go or finally stay?
If I go, everything stays the same Ill show him my boundaries dont matter.
If I stay, no doubt hell have a go Youre ruining the night, you never used to be this awkward.
And I cant tell which is worse: giving up my home, or standing my ground and feeling guilty.
But the truth is, this isnt working.
Women: Have you ever been asked to leave your own home because your boyfriends mates are coming over? How did you handle it?
Men: Can you explain the purpose of these no women nights and why youd need your girlfriend to move out for them?
Women: Ever had a boyfriend who praised you for being undemanding? Where did that get you?
Men: If your mates dont invite you to their weddings, but you host them monthly and inconvenience your partner, is that real friendship?
