Last night my boyfriend said to me:
On Saturday, the lads are coming round. Could you pop off to your parents for the night?
I froze with my cup in hand.
Simon, again?
Well, yes. We do this once a monthyou know that, he replied.
He was right. Every month his friends gather at our flat to play board games, and each time he asks me to spend the night elsewhere. Weve been living together for two years. Im thirty-one, hes thirty-four. All his mates are around the same age, all with wives or girlfriends. Yet, Im the only one whos asked to leave whenever they come over.
So I drift away to my grans, to my parents, sometimes to a friendsjust like a schoolgirl being packed off for a sleepover so the grown-ups can misbehave. Its maddeningly humiliating.
The First Boys Only Night
This started about a year and a half agoright after we moved in together.
Simon said, The guys are round on Saturday. Would you mind heading somewhere else for the evening?
I was taken aback. Why? Its our flat.
Were having a boys night. Lads only, so we can relax properly.
But dont the other girlfriends leave too?
No, but they dont live together like we do. It might be awkward for you.
I thought, Alright, let them have their first fun. I went to stay with a friend.
Simon came home, beaming. Thanks for that. We had a cracking evening.
A month later: The lads are coming Saturdaycould you go to your folks?
Fine, I went to my parents.
A month after thatto my grans.
Then back to friends. And so its been for a year and a half: once a month I pack up and vacate my own home for another boys night.
What Stings
It suddenly struck me that none of the other women leave their flats when the lads are over.
I asked Clara, Toms girlfriendTom being one of Simons friendsClara, do you go anywhere when they play board games?
She looked puzzled. No, I stay in. Do my own thing. They play in the lounge, I read or whatever.
They dont ask you to leave?
Why would they? Its my house too.
I spoke with two more girlfriends. Neither of them ever has to go. Just me.
I asked Simon, Why am I the only one who always must go?
He thought for a moment. Well… Their places are bigger. Two or three rooms. You could be in a different room. Ours is a one-bedroom flatmight be awkward for you.
Its fine for me. I can read with headphones on.
No, best you go. Its easier for everyone.
Everyoneexcept me. Its easiest for them if Im not there.
What Humiliates Me: Leaving My Home
Every time I pack my bag for the night, I feel like a stranger in my own space. I pay half the rentits my home. Yet each month Im told to clear out for a boys gathering.
I turn up at Grans with an overnight bag. Shell ask, Another argument?
No, Gran, Simon has his friends round.
Why arent you home?
I feel silly explaining that my boyfriend chucks me out so he can have a proper lads night.
I go to my parents. Mum frowns, You were just here yesterday. Back again?
Its Simons boys night, I mutter.
She doesnt say anything, but her expression is heavy with disapproval.
What Hurts: Double Standards
Simon always says Im easygoing. Hes lucky, apparentlyother girlfriends want dinner dates, gifts, city breaks.
Some couples go out twice a week, he says. But you dont nag, youre so understanding.
YesI dont nag. We have coffee out, once a month if were lucky. Havent been on holiday together in two years.
Some couples travel all the time, he continues. But you dont whinge. Brilliant, that.
No, I dont whinge, even though he earns well and could afford a little more.
But if I ask to stay at home just once a monththats apparently being demanding.
You could just go to your parents once a month, its not a hardship, he says.
It isnt, technically. Packing up, leaving your own flat, sleeping at relatives because your boyfriend needs a boys only night.
Im not asking for dinners or trips. But being allowed to stay in my own home seems too much.
What His Mum Says: A Voice of Sense
The other day, his mother found out.
Why do you go? she asked. Its your home. Stay in and meet Simons friends.
I explained, Its their boys only nightId feel awkward.
She shook her head, Youre his partner. You belong in his world, among his people. If he hides you from his friends, thats odd.
Shes right. Two years together and I barely know his friendsjust see them as Im leaving.
But Im shy around new people. Its easier to slip away than sit in the corner. Maybe Im just afraid theyll wonder, Whys she going? Has Simon kicked her out?
What I Discovered: Hes Not Really Included
Turns out, when Simon cant make a lads nightillness, work or whatnotthe group meets without him. And they dont always tell him.
Why werent you invited? I ask.
Ah, I said no, so they just met up, he shrugs.
And you werent asked along?
No, mustve slipped their minds.
Slipped their minds. Or didnt fancy it.
I also found out three of his mates recently got married. Simon wasnt invited to any of the weddings.
Why not Toms wedding? I ask.
Dont know. Budget, maybe.
Budget, or maybe they arent mates like he thinks.
So, once a month he kicks me out for these friends, but they wouldnt even have him at their weddings.
What Ive Realised: Im Afraid to Ask
This last week, Ive wonderedwhy never ask for dinners, holidays? Why do I keep agreeing to leave my home?
Because Im afraid. If I start asking for things, maybe hell decide hes had enough.
Simon praises me for being undemandingIm scared to ruin that image. I dont want to be a difficult woman.
So I pack and go. For his comfort, not to lose him.
But the more I think, the more I realise: Im losing myself.
Where I Am Now: A Choice
Saturday, again, is boys only. Simons already hinted: Youll go to your parents, wont you?
Im silent. Debatinggo, or stay?
If I leavesame as always. Another month, another round of me caving in, my comfort unimportant.
If I staya row, no doubt. Simon will say, Youre spoiling the evening, youve changed.
And I dont know whats worse: leaving my home or staying and feeling guilty.
But one things clear: I cant keep on this way.
Womenhave you ever been asked to leave your home so your partner can hang out with friends? How did you deal with it?
Menwhy have boys only nights and ask your partner to leave her own flat?
Womenbeen with a man who praises you for your lack of demands? Where did that end up?
Menif your mates dont invite you to their weddings, but youre always hosting themis that real friendship?
