Stay with the child. I shall go alone to my brothers wedding.
It was many years ago, and I remember my husband coming home from work looking rather odd. I asked him about the upcoming wedding, and at once he averted his gaze. He told me he would be attending the wedding on his own.
What about me? I asked in astonishment.
He replied, My love, Ive received barely any pay this January. So Ill probably go alone. You stay at home with the little one. Itll be fine, nothing will happen. Its just three days; Ill need to stay at an inn and buy a meal or two. And, of course, I mustnt turn up without a wedding gift.
We were a young couple, not long married, living in a modest one-bedroom flat. My mother-in-law had given us the place. I was on maternity leave then; our daughter, Emily, was not yet two. I hadnt rushed back to work there was no one to mind Emily in my absence. My in-laws had provided a roof over our heads, and for that, we were truly grateful.
My own mother kept to herself, worked extra shifts when she could. Shed told me outright that if I truly needed her to look after Emily so I could return to work, she would gladly help. But for smaller favours buying a new dress or getting my hair done there was no question shed mind the child for me.
Ive always understood my mothers ways. Every year, she travels abroad without fail, and spends her weekends at beauty parlours or having massages. Shes never been the kind to upend her own plans for others.
There were no unexpected dramas in our home. When my husband was around, Id sometimes manage a quick escape to run errands, but he rarely permitted me to go out, and it was always brief.
Then, suddenly, an invitation to a wedding arrived.
My husbands younger brother was getting married, and we were to travel to Manchester for three days. I went to my mother, pleading with her to stay with her granddaughter after all, a wedding is a rather important occasion. And it was just for three days. Emily was an easy child, quiet and content.
After some resistance, fraught sighs, and much persuading, Mother relented and arranged three days off work. I could scarcely contain my joy after two years at home with a toddler, I was desperate for a change, even a holiday of sorts at a wedding.
Yet those dreams evaporated with my husbands announcement.
This wedding meant a great deal to me. I had spent a year at home, breastfeeding and barely setting foot outside. It often seemed as if no one wanted to share the burden. Meanwhile, my husband was often away, at company gatherings or on work trips.
Truthfully, I hardly knew my husbands brother, nor had I met his fiancée aside from a glimpse in a photograph. But it still felt wounding to be excluded.
Still, my husband refused to see my perspective. He believed everything was perfectly reasonable.
Well, darling, your mother isnt overly keen on taking Emily home with her. Let her have her peace these few days, and you stay here. Why make someone uncomfortable? If shes reluctant, theres no sense in forcing her. Besides, you hardly know my family what do you stand to gain from this trip? Your place is here, minding the child. Ill go and return.
So, I decided we would not attend as a family. Why should my husband alone dictate my course?
And who, I wonder, was in the right?
From my own point of view, both my mother and my husband were being somewhat unreasonable. Of course, no grandmother is strictly obliged to care for her granddaughter, but might she not spare a thought for my needs as her daughter?
Nor did my husband understand how Id poured myself into motherhood. Even I needed rest now and then.
If he truly loved me, he would surely see that
In truth, I was left feeling deeply despondent, wholly reliant on my husband, and with no one to turn to.
Ive often wondered what others would make of this. I hope, wherever she is now, that the young wife found the strength to stand her ground and make her feelings plain to her husband.
Dear ladies, never forget that we live in a free country, where your voice matters. Nothing awful will happen if you speak your mind. It isnt as though your husband will threaten divorce should you set forth your wishes. And if he does, perhaps love was never truly there. We owe it to ourselves to ask for respect, and to share happiness with others.
