Her Own Place
Mum, what on earth are you doing?! Alice is on the verge of tears as she watches her mother tossing her meagre belongings out of the wardrobe. Her favourite red polka-dot dress lands carelessly on the floor, immediately distracting her little brother, whos sitting nearby. Oliver grabs the end of the sash and shoves it in his mouth.
Ollie, please! Give it back!
Oh, spare me your dramatics! snaps Ruth, Alices mum, as she throws a pair of Alices jeans onto the growing pile and slams the wardrobe shut. Out you go!
Mum, where am I supposed to go? Its dark outside! Whats got into you?
Ill do as I please in my own house! And you you dont belong here!
What about me? Doesnt this count as my home, too?
No, darling, nothing here is yours, Ruth retorts, picking Oliver up and wiping his nose with the hem of Alices dress. Nothing at all! And Im done having my nerves frayed. Ive only just started rebuilding my life, and you want to come along and ruin it all. Not happening!
Mum, how am I ruining anything?! What have I done?
Oh, dont play innocent. Whos it always making eyes at Wills mates? You, isnt it?
With a yell, Alice startles Oliver, who bursts into tears. Mum! Do you even hear yourself?!
I hear perfectly well! Enough! Five minutes I dont want to see you here!
Ruth kicks the door open and leaves, while Alice stands frozen, not really processing whats just happened. Has she really been kicked out of her own home? Her mind races, thoughts scattering. Then Olivers crying brings her back to herself. Hes wailing so bitterly that her first impulse is to run after him, as she always had to calm him, distract him, anything to stop his cries. Her mums new husband, Will, cant stand listening to his sons tears in fact, he cant bear anything to do with children. And Ruth, who used to cradle Alice with love, has taken to handing baby Oliver straight to Alice, disappearing to sit with Will instead.
Sort him out. Youre a grown up now, so give me a hand!
A grown up Yesterday, she was still her parents cherished girl; now, shes the unwanted guest her mum is so quick to push away a phrase Ruth now uses as a matter of course. In the last two years, everything has shifted too quickly for Alice to keep up. One shock after another, ripping her family apart.
First, her dad died, suddenly, from a heart attack. How unfair and unnecessary, she always thinks he might have been saved if only someone at the bus stop had cared enough to help him. Under fifty, well-dressed, he lay there for over an hour, and everyone just hurried past, too wrapped up in their own lives. It wasnt until a woman finally checked on him that anyone realised something was seriously wrong, but by then it was too late.
She remembers how her mum seemed to freeze after that. Withdrawn and silent, Ruth stopped responding to everything even Alices tears. Without shedding a single tear herself, Ruth arranged the funeral, then locked herself away, forgetting entirely the daughter who remained.
Family was always just the three of them. Friends had slowly faded away, becoming a distant memory except at Christmas or the occasional birthday. Alice can recall her parents pride in their little circle; they used to say they had no need for anyone else. It was enough to have each other. As a child, Alice believed it, resenting visitors she thought unnecessary. Their world was complete or so she thought.
That was before she started school. For some reason, there were fewer boys than girls in her class, and Alice was seated with a sharp, lively girl named Pippa. Pippas thick, shiny black plaits were the stuff of envy. Alice, who despised her own wild blond curls the ones that, no matter how her mum tried, stuck out like dandelion down became Dandelion to the class from day one.
It took two days before Alice dared touch Pippas braid, when, in a huff, Pippa threatened to chop it off. Theyre driving me mad. Even if Mum tells me off, Ill cut them.
Alice, without thinking, stroked the glossy hair and gasped, Are you mad? Theyre beautiful.
That moment sparked their friendship. The whole class started calling her Pips and soon, Alice was a fixture at the Millers house. Theirs was a bustling, chaotic home an odd, sprawling brick house at the end of their street, where Pippa lived with her many siblings, assorted grandparents, cousins and even the occasional lodger. Walking in was like stepping into a clamour of life, with people shouting out greetings, teasing, chatting, hugging and generally including everyone, all the time.
Mrs Miller, Pippas mum, would have you at the table before you got your shoes off, feeding you until you could hardly move. Sisters and brothers of all ages helped each other with homework and chores, taught one another to bake or knit, and Alice was amazed to find that, in this world, even the littlest girls could whip up scones with hardly a thought. Her own mother never let her near the oven youre not old enough, Ruth always said.
It was with Pippas family that Alice truly learned what it meant to be surrounded by people who cared. The piles of gifts for every birthday, Christmas, and excuse for a gathering and not just for Pippa, but for every cousin and neighbour child felt unreal. At first, Alice was quietly envious.
Hang on, its not even your birthday! Why so many presents? she asked one day as Pippa twirled with a new hair ribbon.
So what? Why wait to spoil people you love? Just you wait for Christmas! Pippa would laugh her beaming laugh, and Alice, despite herself, would join in.
Ruth never approved of this friendship, and she would certainly have forbidden visits had she seen the Millers somewhat unruly household. Fortunately, she worked late, so Alice raced home after school, downed her soup, and sped back out again anywhere she could find warmth, cakes, and laughter.
When Alices dad died, it was Pippas brothers who rallied around, offering help, money, and all the necessary arrangements. Ruth wouldnt leave her room and only surfaced when absolutely needed, scowling at the Millers boys as they did the work she wouldnt. Pippa, vague with worry, cooked obsessively for days, making so many pies that Alice had to ask their neighbour for fridge space.
After that, Alice was rarely alone the Miller men were always nearby, offering protection and help, even when Ruth pretended not to notice. When Alice later asked Pippa about it, her friend just shrugged, as if it were obvious. Youre family to us. None of our men would leave you to cope alone.
Yet, just a few months later, Pippa married an arranged match, so sudden Alice could barely speak.
Are you joking? Youre not even done with college! You wanted to be a doctor!
I still do. Dads agreed with my fiancé itll be fine. Ill study and well manage.
But why bother marrying so early?
Thats how its done with us. Mum and Dad choose, and theyd never wish me ill. I trust them.
Alice had no answer. At the wedding, she held herself together, but when she learned Pippa would be moving with her husband to Manchester, she finally cried openly.
How am I supposed to manage without you?
Youll cope. But if it gets too hard, you come to us. Well sort something out.
By then, Will was part of Ruths life, and Pippa watched uneasily as Alice delayed her trip home from college as much as possible.
What is it? Why dont you want to go home?
Alice couldnt tell her friend how Will lurked in corridor or the kitchen, how Ruth had become unbearable after Oliver was born. That she had to lock her bedroom door which infuriated her mother just to get a nights peace, and that Oliver, adorable though he was, kept her awake nights crying, so she now fainted from exhaustion at college. After all, she loved her brother. She tried to help, but she couldnt do everything.
Before finishing college, Alice started working at the local hospital the night shifts a blessing, since she could avoid home, sleeping on duty instead.
After Pippas wedding, Alice returned to a row with her mother more ferocious than ever. Things festered, and she didnt understand how to repair them.
Ruth didnt listen to anyone now, except herself. And when the neighbour dropped a thoughtless comment about how lucky Ruth was to have such beautiful children pity their father wasnt here to see Alice, wasnt it time she thought about her own life, instead of just running herself ragged something seemed to snap.
After that, Ruth threw Alice out.
Now, stuffing her things into a bag, desperate for a plan, Alice wonders: if here isnt home, then where is her place in the world? She thinks of calling Pippa, but what can she really do? Besides, Pippas expecting her first baby and juggling medical school.
Clutching a photo of her dad, Alice wipes away her tears. Maybe its just as well. Shes felt like a stranger here for so long. Time to let her mum build her new life.
With the TV blaring in the kitchen and Ruth rattling pans, Alice nearly heads in to say goodbye, then stops herself. What could she say that hasnt been said already? Is it even possible to forgive what shes just heard? No, thats enough. Once, this was her home no longer.
Outside, its dark and cold. Autumn has hit full swing overnight, with everyone mismatched one passer-by in shorts, the next in a thick coat and scarf. Alice hugs her favourite scarf, a Christmas present from Pippa, tighter around her neck and is glad she wont have to return for more clothes.
The bus stop is almost empty this late: a few night owls, a big, scruffy dog. Alice drops her bag onto the bench and crams frozen hands in her pockets.
A car pulls up, startling her. She inches away, wary.
Alice?
George!
Relief nearly knocks her off her feet; its one of the Miller boys the eldest, who used to help with algebra and, later, help bury her father.
What are you doing out here so late? On your way to work?
I I suppose I am. Back to the hospital.
Hmm, doesnt sound like the truth. Why are you here with a bag?
Georges concern is too much. Before she knows it, Alice is explaining everything her mum, Will, and that shes now, apparently, homeless.
Right then, hop in. George, always the quiet, gentle type, gestures to the passenger seat. Alice climbs in, assuming hell just drop her at the hospital.
They drive in silence through the city. Its warm in the car, and Alice lets herself sink into a rare, fleeting calm. But when she notes theyre heading a different way, she looks over.
George, this isnt the hospital?
Nope. You planning to sleep in the nurses staff room forever?
I might.
And after that? What next?
I dont know
I do. So were going somewhere else tonight.
Where?
Youll see.
The block of flats they pull into is in a leafy part of town, behind an ornate iron gate. The security guard nods George through.
They take the lift to the third floor. George rings the bell and waits; Alice glances at him, uncertain, but he says nothing. Eventually, the door opens.
A tall woman, imposing in her billowy dress, fills the frame.
George! And whos this? Hold on, I know you! Pippas friend, arent you? The one from the wedding! Come along, dear, what are you dawdling in the hall for? Youre not a stranger here.
Stepping inside, Alice is enveloped by warmth. The marble floored hallway, the chandelier raining prisms overhead: its grand but welcoming. Before Alice has time to adjust, George has whispered something to the woman, received a nod, and vanished with a quick wave.
Wheres he off to? Wait But the door closes and Alice is alone with her host.
Dont dawdle in the hallway, I wont have it. Coat off, come enjoy some coffee. Tell me: why is a lovely girl wandering the streets at night? Dont you have a home? A mum?
Not anymore, I suppose And, finally spent, Alice sinks onto a pouffe and bursts into uncontrollable tears. The woman stands still, then comes forward and wraps her in an embrace warm, patient, smoothing Alices hair as though she were a child.
Oh, my dear girl. How could they let this happen? Dont cry! Everything will turn out all right. I promise you. Ive seen dreadful things in my life I wont allow them to touch you.
She rocks Alice, crooning softly. Eventually she stands and insists Alice join her in the kitchen for coffee proper coffee, mind! and, little by little, Alice feels some weight shift from her heart.
Call me Dora. Thats what everyone did, back before life swept me so far from home. Far away, on the family farm, it was me, my parents, my little sisters and brothers. Our roots ran deep. I havent been back in many years the hurt is still there, but its not the worst.
What could be worse? asks Alice, before she can stop herself.
Worse? The pain of not having the chance to bury your parents. Or your big sister. No grave, no goodbye. Some things you just never let go of.
Why?
Have you heard of pogroms, love? You dont know and I hope you never do. Its fear, harm, people coming and saying: You dont belong here. Your place isnt yours anymore, nor your life. You mustnt remember, mustnt speak the language your parents sang to you in. I overheard it all from a little hiding place my father built he locked us children inside just in time. He blocked the door with our old oak dresser it took six men to move, but that day, love made my father strong. Thats what a parents love can do for you, girl. Remember that when your own children need you. Dont dwell on what your mum said in anger. Grief changes people, inside out. It scours their minds, robs their hearts, leaves them only hunting for peace, which they may never find.
But you you survived. You raised your siblings, didnt you?
I did. My nieces and nephews became my world. Pippa and George theyre my brothers grandchildren, and I have others, too. Even great-grandchildren now! Pippas about to have another more joy to fill the gaps.
Why dont you live with all of them, then?
Im a bit too haunted for their peace. I sometimes cry out in the night. Better this way they visit often enough! I like watching them live full, happy lives, free from my old nightmares.
Did you ever marry, have your own children?
No There was no time. I was busy making sure theyd survive.
Silence. Alice finally asks,
Was that the only reason?
No Well spotted. There was someone, back in the worst of times, someone I loved more than anyone even my parents. Id have left everything for him if hed asked.
But he didnt?
No. Maybe he wanted to, but fate didnt allow it. He didnt even know I was still alive. And after that day, I never saw him again. Its not strength that gets you through, Alice; its the people you hold onto, the ones who hold you up until you find your feet. Thats what gave me strength, and Ill give mine to you, now. Youll stay here, with me, until one day, I hand you over to your future to someone wholl deserve you. Understood? But youd better not burst into tears again! Im going to teach you everything I know, just like my sisters and nieces. Whether you like it or not!
Doras laughter is gruff, but kind, and Alice feels for the first time in months that maybe, just maybe, shell be all right.
True to her word, Dora does exactly that. Within two years, Alice out-bakes and out-cooks even Pippa, who comes home for visits and marvels at the transformation.
Yours are better than mine! Whats your secret ingredient? Pippa laughs, scarfing down tiny, delicious pasties. How are you?
Honestly? Good! Thanks to Dora. If it werent for her
Oh, dont flatter me, child, or my ego will block my way to heaven! Dora teases from the stove.
Im only telling the truth!
Alices voice carries Doras rhythms now, and Pippa bursts into giggles.
Youve raised her well, Granny!
Not quite finished yet, Dora says, suddenly serious.
Pippa looks between them. Whats up? Something happened?
Alice hesitates, then nods.
Mums ill.
Is it bad?
Its serious. Very. Theres not long now. I know everything, I work at the hospital where shes a patient.
You havent visited?
Alice shakes her head. No I cant. When I remember how she threw me out If it hadnt been for George passing by and Dora Where would I be now? Did Mum care when she chose a man over me? He left her, you know the moment he heard she was ill. Not just her, but Oliver too.
Pippa gasps. Oliver! Where is he?
In care. They wont give him to me. Ive got a job, but nowhere to live on my salary. I cant afford a flat, even with all my shifts.
Why cant you move back into the family flat?
She struck my name from the lease. I need the documents for custody, but I havent got them. I dont know what to do, Pip I cant sleep anymore, worrying about him.
Well, sitting here doesnt help. Lets go!
Where?
The hospital.
Why?
Isnt that where your mum is?
Shes out now.
Then lets go to hers. You dont have to make peace. But Oliver needs you, and someone has to act for him.
In the end, Alice does make peace with her mother just two days before Ruth, weakened beyond recognition, finally passes on. Shed apologised to her daughter, who has cared for her for two months straight, rushing paperwork for Olivers return, pushing her hurt aside to focus on what matters. As she looks into Ruths tired eyes, Alice remembers not the night she was thrown out, but a distant summer morning. She was five or six, Ruth young and strong in a red summer dress, feeding her cherries, kissing her sticky cheeks. That is all that remains not the anger, not the pain, just a lost moment of happiness.
I forgive you, Mum, she whispers and peace fills her chest, at long last.
She remembers Doras words: Let go of your resentments, Alice. Otherwise, theyll eat you from within, until theyre all thats left. I know its hard. But youll need it more than anyone youll ever have to forgive.
A week later, Oliver clings to Alices hand as she unlocks the door to their flat. He looks up, eyes wide and hopeful.
Are we really home this time?
Yes, Ollie. Were home. This is our place now, do you understand?
He nods, so serious that something settles deep within Alice. Finally, the world feels right, and she knows she is exactly where she belongs.
