When theres a wedding in the family, it turns into quite the spectacleeveryone gets terribly excited. Marriage, bless it, seems to make people positively giddy with anticipation.
But, for some reason, were all rather short-sighted about the whole thing, as though life, like a pound coin, only has one side. (Spoiler: its got two, and neither is particularly shiny.)
Now dont get me wrongIm not suggesting that marriage is some dreadful abyss. Its just that quite a lot of women still cling to the notion that happiness is only available via marriage and the whole white-picket-fence scenario. A gaggle of young ladies float about convinced marriage is just a step on a lovely staircase, not realising where the stairs actually go.
Their grand masterplan? Get hitched andabracadabra!life sorts itself out.
Allow me to share a bit of my own saga. I used to think that marrying the man I adored and having Cupids little cherub with him would bring me unparalleled joy. You see where this is going, dont you?
Alas, marriage introduced a whole new archive of complications. We hadnt even gathered up enough pennies for a mortgage deposit when I discovered I was expecting. These days, having a baby in England costs roughly a small fortuneand thats before the cot and pram.
Naturally, we were thrilledI was positively glowing. My husband was toiling away at his own little business venture, while I was navigating the delightful minefield of maternity leave, with my finances wobbling on stilts. Lets not mention the mythical saving up for a housemore like saving up for a decent takeaway. Motherhood, in all honesty, knocked me sideways. My son never slept, seemed to catch every bug going, and I was so sleep-deprived I considered taking up residence in the airing cupboard for some peace and quiet. My nerves were fraying, and there were moments I honestly contemplated legging it. Turns out, not every woman is cut out to be the domestic glue of family folklore.
If only someone had handed me a leaflet about this beforehand. By the time my son turned two, my husbands business went under. The poor man fell into such a pit of despair that the gin bottle became his closest confidant. With no other option, I dusted off my CV, stuck the lad in nursery, and landed myself two full-time jobs. I was running around the clock, trying to keep everything from falling apart, while my husband snoozed off the brandy in bed. Some days, I honestly wanted to shout from the rooftopsor at least at the dodgy boiler. Looking back, if Id been on my own Id have managed just fine, both financially and emotionally. Mental breakdowns are pretty manageable when you dont have to deal with someone snoring through them.
On one particularly grim afternoon, I rang my mother-in-law, hoping she might give her darling son a sharp talking-to and put things right. Surely its not traditional for the man of the house to be passed out by 2pm on a Wednesday. I poured my heart outtold her I was sinking, barely keeping it together.
I suppose I was expecting sympathy, perhaps even a kind word or two. What I got was classic: You know, youre hardly the only woman to go through trouble. But youre a woman, loveits your lot to put up with it, because a woman mustnt show weakness.
Apparently, women are the superglue that holds the family scrapbook together, so I just needed to button it and blink away the tears. Whatever life throws at you, just glue a smile on, pop the kettle on, and march on without complaint.
Honestly, her words felt like someone lobbed a scone at my heart, and those things are dense. Shes a woman too, and I know she hasnt had it easyher own husband is so lazy he could win gold in loafing at the Home Counties championships. But rather than support each other, her answer was to grit your teeth and hope for the best.
But how much more can one endure? Lifes only on offer once, and the aim, Id thought, was to get as much joy out of it as possible. Therell be obstacles, of course, but not insurmountable ones. Surely a womans fate isnt to be perpetually stoic and exhausted. Surely, were allowed a laugh and a bit of love, too.
