– Helen, you wont believe it! Matthew and I have just decidedwell be going to Spain again next year! – Her stepfather beamed with delight. – He says he absolutely needs that same hotel overlooking the sea. Well, what can I do? Its my own son, after all!
Hed emphasised, perhaps without meaning to, that Matthew was his own son.
– Im happy for you, – Helen replied, recalling how peaceful life had been before Matthew showed up, – Your own son But you always said we were a family. That it didnt matter if I was your own or not.
He used to say it. That she was his daughterregardless.
– Youre off again with that Oh, Helen! Of course youre my daughter, thats not up for debate! You know I love you as if you were my own. But Matthew is
He didnt realise hed just proved her point.
– Matthew is your son. And Im apparently an acquaintance.
– Helen, come now. Im telling you, youre like my real daughter!
– Like. Did you ever take me to the seaside? In the whole fifteen years youve called yourself my dad?
He hadnt. Arthur often said there was no difference between her and Matthew, but Helen knew, by how much Arthur did for his son, that there really was.
– Never managed it, Helen. You know, money was tight back then. Youre old enough to realise how much two weeks at a five-star hotel costs Its expensive.
– I do understand, – Helen nodded, – The costs. Expensive to take me. But for Matthew, who youve known all of six months, youre ready to get a mortgage to buy him a flat, so hell have somewhere to bring his wife. Apparently thats no expense, if its for your son?
– Im not buying any flat. Where did you hear that?
– People talk.
– Well, tell those gossips to keep their noses out.
Helen felt a small measure of relief.
– So, youre really not buying one?
– Of course not! Oh, but guess where were going together on Saturday? – He barely waited for her to guess, – Go-karting! He was even in some races back at uni, and I just tag along for fun.
– Go-karting, – Helen repeated, – Sounds thrilling.
– You bet!
– Could I come with you? – She blurted it out before shed really thought it through.
Arthur, clearly not wanting her to tag along, started fidgeting.
– Er Helen Youd be bored there, honestly. Its just… blokes kind of thing. Matthew and I want to chat, you know, father and son stuff.
That hurt
– So it might be interesting for you, but not for me?
– Not exactly – Arthur shuffled, – Its just, we havent seen each other our whole lives. Trying to make up for lost time, go as a pair. You see?
You see. That phraseyou seehad become the most loaded in their new vocabulary. It meant you had to see that blood was more important than anything else. It meant you had to accept that your place was now outside the fence.
Matthew was, to be fair, impressive. Raised without a fatherhis mum never told Arthur about himhed fought through tough times and excelled at everything. Clever, good-looking, kind.
– Dad, I helped at the shelter today. Fixed the dog kennels.
– Dad, did you know I got a first-class degree?
– Dad, look, I fixed your phone.
He wasnt just a son. He was the perfect son.
That evening, after Arthur had spent a while at hers and gone home, Helen sat leafing through old photographs Arthurs wedding to her mum (her mother had died five years before, leaving Helen and Arthur alone). Here they were at the allotment Here Helen was finishing school
Nothing would ever be the same now.
***
– Helen, are you up? Ive got a question. Urgent, – her stepfather showed up at eight in the morning.
– Whats so urgent?
Helen brushed her fringe aside with a headband and turned the coffee machine on.
– About the flat for Matthew.
– So it IS true then? – she exhaled.
– Sorry, its true
– And you lied to me.
– I just didnt want you upset. But I need some advice! We probably should hurry. Hell be getting married sooner or later, and while hes still young, he should have a place of his own. You know how it was for me
– Just get a mortgage, – Helen muttered, having no desire to talk about buying Matthew a flat. Well, Matthew seemed to have landed on his feet!
– Yes, yes, I know. But you realise my credit ratings terrible Matthew needs help. He deserves a place from a father who was missing all those years.
– So, what are you after?
– Will you help? If I ask?
– Depends how.
– Let me explain. Ive got £20,000. Enough for a deposit. But no bank will lend to me. You, thoughthe bank would. Your records spotless. Wed get the mortgage in your name, Ill make all the payments, honestly.
The illusion of no difference between you was officially over. The difference was clear. Helen was being asked to stand in the firing line, not Matthew.
– So, Matthew gets a flat, and I get the mortgage? Is that it?
Arthur shook his head, genuinely offended, as if it was Helens idea.
– Thats not fair! Ill be paying Im not asking you to pay. We just need it in your name. Think about it
– Arthur, Im not thinking about the mortgage. Im thinking about how Im no longer your daughter. You have a son now. Known for six months, whereas youve known me for fifteen years, but what matters is hes yours by blood.
– Thats not true! – Arthur blurted, – I love you both equally!
– No. Not equally.
– Helen, thats unfair! Hes my own
Curtain down. She wasnt his daughter anymore. She was adoptivesuitable and convenientuntil real family turned up.
– I see, – Helen did her best to remain polite, – I cant, Arthur. Ill need to buy a flat for myself one day. They wont give me a second mortgage.
Arthur seemed only now to remember she had no place of her own.
– Oh, right, youll need one too – He adjusted his watch, – But surely, until you decide to buy, you could help? Ive £20,000. Theres not much else needed. Only for a few years.
– No. I wont put anything in my name.
She didnt expect Arthur would understand.
– Fine, – he said, – If you cant help as a daughter, so be it. Ill manage by myself.
Whether he ever truly saw her as his daughter or notit didnt matter now. Now she only saw Arthur in old photographs.
One evening, scrolling through social media, she saw it.
A photo at the airport. Arthur and Matthew. Both in pale jackets. Arthurs hand resting on Matthews shoulder, with a caption below: Flying to Dubai with Dad! Family is everything.
Family.
Helen put her phone aside.
She suddenly remembered a moment from her earliest years, well before her mum married Arthur. She was five. Life was humble, and the doll her gran had given her was broken. She cried about it, but her own father said, Helen, stop fussing over rubbish. Dont bother me!
He was never to be bothered. His main interest was always a bottle. In truth, Helen never really had a father at all. But shed thought Arthur had replaced him
Arthur did try once more to convince her.
– Helen, I think we need to sort this trust issue
– What trust issue, Arthur? I said no.
– You just dont get the situation. Matthew grew up without a dad. I have to make up for that, somehow. He needs a home. I guarantee, youd spend nothingjust show up and sign.
– Pity no one fills the gaps for me
That surprisingly made him angry.
– Helen, enough! I dont want a row. I do love you, you know I do! But understand Matthew is my true family. When you have children, youll see. Yes, I love you both, not in the same way, but it doesnt mean I dont need you.
– You need me. As a resource.
– Helen, calm down! Youre exaggerating.
– You switched focus to him in six months, Arthur, – said Helen, – Im not asking you to choose. The choice is obvious. You said it yourself: Matthew is your own. And I never was.
Six months passed. Arthur didnt call. Not once.
One day, scrolling through her feed, Helen saw a new photo.
Arthur and Matthew again. Posing in front of mountains. Arthur in trendy ski wear. Caption: Teaching Dad to snowboard! He might be too old for this, but with your son, anything is possible!
Helen stared at the photo for a while.
She reached for her work desk to finish up her report when her phone pinged with a message. An unknown number.
Hello, Helen. Its Matthew. Dad gave me your numberhes too shy to ring you. He asked me to let you know: hes sorted the flat without your help and hes been thinking about you. Hed really like you to come over for the Bank Holiday. He cant say why, but he really hopes you will.
She typed a reply, deleting and retyping it several times.
Hi Matthew. Tell Arthur Im glad things are working out for him. I think about him too. But I wont come. Ive got my own plans for the Bank Holiday. Im going to the seaside.
She didnt say shed bought the ticket herself, that the holiday wasnt in Spain but Brighton, and that she was going with a friend, not her father.
Helen pressed send.
And she realised, perhaps for the first time, that happiness didnt need to depend on anyone else at all.
Sometimes, the family we long for isnt found, but that doesnt lessen our worth or our right to create our own happiness.
