No Forgiveness
“Have you ever thought about looking for your mum?”
The question came out of nowhere, making Victoria flinch. She was just setting out a pile of paperwork from work on the kitchen table, steadying the teetering stack with her palm. Now she froze, let her hands drop, and lifted her eyes to Alex. She couldnt hide her surprisehow could he even entertain such a thought? Why should she look for the woman who had so carelessly twisted nearly her whole fate?
“Of course not,” Victoria replied, carefully keeping her voice level. “What a ridiculous idea. Why would I ever do that?”
Alex looked slightly embarrassed. He ran a hand through his hair, as if to compose himself, and forced a thin smile, already regretting his question.
“Its just…” He hesitated, searching for words. “I hear that people who grew up in children’s homes, or who were adopted, often dream of finding their biological parents. I just thought… if you ever wanted to, Id help. I mean it.”
Victoria shook her head. Her chest suddenly felt tight, as if an invisible hand had clenched around her ribs. She took a deep breath, fighting back an unwelcome surge of irritation, and glanced back at Alex.
“Thank you, but no,” she replied more firmly, her voice rising. “Ill never look for her. That woman stopped existing for me a long time ago. Ill never forgive her!”
It sounded harsh, but there was no other way. Otherwise shed have to unearth old wounds and lay her soul bare before her fiancé. She loved him, she really did, but there are some things you simply dont share. Not even with those closest to you. So she reached for her paperwork again, feigning deep engagement.
Alex frowned, but let it go. Clearly, he didnt like hearing such a sharp refusal. He couldnt understand her point of view! For him, his mother had always been an almost sacred figurewhether shed raised him herself or not. The simple act of carrying a child for nine months, bringing them into the world, elevated her in his eyes to near sainthood. He sincerely believed in some special, unbreakable bond between mother and child that neither time nor circumstance could destroy.
Victoria, on the other hand, would have none of it. She rejected the notion completely, without a shadow of doubt. Her thinking was simple: how could you yearn to meet someone whod treated you so heartlessly? Her so-called “mum” hadnt just put her in careit was far worse, far crueller.
When Victoria was a teenager, shed summoned the courage to ask the question that had always gnawed at her. Shed approached Mrs Taylor, the head of the children’s home, a no-nonsense woman who still commanded enormous respect among the kids.
“Why am I here?” Victoria had asked quietly, but firmly. “Did my mum die? Or was she stripped of her parental rights? Something serious must have happened, surely?”
Mrs Taylor stopped. Shed been sorting through papers at her desk, but after Victorias question, she folded her hands and paused. She considered for a moment, weighing her words, then let out a heavy sigh and invited Victoria to sit down.
Victoria sat, gripping the edge of the chair, feeling dread simmering away inside her. She knew she was about to hear something that would forever alter how she saw her past.
“She was stripped of her rights and prosecuted,” Mrs Taylor began quietly, speaking with care. She looked at Victoria with a calm seriousness, but concern shone in her eyes: she knew she had to tell a twelve-year-old the bitter truth many would rather conceal. She could have softened it, made up something gentler, but she was certain Victoria needed the truth. However cruel it sounded, better to know than be left in the dark.
After a pause, she continued:
“You came to us when you were four and a half. Some kind-hearted people had noticed you wandering the streets alone. You were little, confused, completely on your own Later, it turned out a woman had left you on a bench at Euston Station, then jumped onto a train and left. It was autumncold, damp; all you wore was a thin coat and a pair of wellies. Hours outside meant you ended up in hospital. Youd caught a nasty chill and were ill for some time.”
Victoria sat very still, as if turned to stone. Her hands clenched into fists, but her face stayed blank; only her eyes darkened, like storm clouds gathering. She said nothing, but Mrs Taylor could see she was listening, drinking in every word, though her insides must have been flipping over.
“Did they find her? What did she say for herself?” Victoria forced out, barely above a whisper, fists still tight.
“They did, and she was convicted. Her explanation” Mrs Taylor paused, then gave a wry smile. “She said shed run out of money, and a job came up. The catchher new boss wouldnt allow children on site, so you were just in the way. It was a guest house or something. She thought it would be easierabandon you and start afresh.”
Victoria didnt move. Her fists slowly unclenched and fell to her lap. She stared straight ahead, but she didnt seem to see anythingher thoughts swept back to that chilly autumn morning she never even remembered.
“I see” she finally said, her voice flat, nearly lifeless. And then, meeting Mrs Taylors gaze, she added, “Thank you for being honest.”
In that moment, Victoria understood, finally and irrevocably: she would never seek out her mother. Not ever. That niggling thought she sometimes brushed up againstwondering, one day, out of curiosity, if shed ever want to simply look her in the eye and ask “Why?”now vanished completely.
To leave a child abandoned in the street It beggared belief! How could any woman, whod given her life, have no conscience, no compassion? Anything could have happened to her out there.
“Thats the act of an animal, not a human!” Victoria told herself, her chest twisting with pain. She wanted, honestly wanted, to find some excuse for her. Perhaps her mother was desperate, perhaps she truly had no other choice, perhaps she thought this was better for Victoria
But every rationalisation shattered against the simple, unyielding facts. Why not officially give her up? Why not hand her to social services, at least to keep her safe? Why leave a four-year-old alone on a cold station bench?
Victoria rolled over the possibilities in her head, trying one after another, but none fit. None softened the pain or made the betrayal remotely excusable. It looked the same from every anglean utterly cold-blooded decision to get rid of a child like so much unwanted baggage.
The more she thought, the firmer her decision became. No. She would not search for that woman. She wouldnt ask questions. She would not attempt to understand. Nothing could change what was done. Forgiveness was simply beyond her.
And with that realisation came a peculiar, almost physical relief
********************
“Ive got a surprise for you!” Alex was virtually bouncing with excitement, his face aglow as if hed just scooped the National Lottery. He hovered in the hallway, unable to keep still, evidently desperate to reveal whatever hed planned. “Youre going to love it! Come onwe cant keep them waiting!”
Victoria stood on the threshold, mug of cold tea in hand, eyeing Alex in confusion before setting the cup aside. What kind of surprise? And why, despite Alexs cheerful enthusiasm, did she feel a creeping sense of dread? It was as if a taut wire had been drawn inside her, on the verge of snapping.
“Where are we going?” she asked, trying to sound calm.
“Youll see soon enough!” Alexs smile widened even further as he took her hand and led her out the front door. “Trust me, itll be worth it.”
Victoria didnt protest, but her nerves tightened with every step. She slipped on her coat, pulled on her shoes, and followed Alex outside. As they walked toward the park, she ran through a list of ideas. Had he bought concert tickets? Arranged a meet-up with some of her old friends? Nothing seemed to fit.
Entering the park, Victoria immediately noticed a woman sitting alone on a bench by the path. She was plainly but neatly dresseddark coat, scarf over her neck, a small handbag resting on her knees. Her face seemed strangely familiar, but Victoria couldnt place her. Was she one of Alexs relatives? Maybe a colleague he wanted her to meet?
Alex strode confidently towards the bench, Victoria following, trying to piece together the odd clues. As they approached, the woman lifted her head and managed a slight smile. Something inside Victoria joltednow she knew where shed seen that face before. The reflection in the mirror, aged by thirty or forty years.
“Victoria,” Alex began, his tone almost ceremonial, as if making a grand proclamation, “Im thrilled to tell youafter a long search, Ive found your mum. Dont you feel happy?”
Victoria stopped dead, the world grinding to a halt. How dare he? Shed made it clear she didnt even want to hear that womans name!
“Darling! Youve grown into such a beautiful woman!” The stranger leapt up, arms outstretched for an embrace. Her voice trembled with emotion, her eyes glinted, filled with what seemed to be genuine joy.
But Victoria quickly stepped away, as if frosted air had been drawn between them, her face cold and unmoved.
“Its me, your mum!” the woman persisted, ignoring or not registering Victorias freezing response. “Ive been searching for you for years! You were always on my mind, I worried every day”
“It wasnt easy!” Alex interjected proudly. He stood a little behind, radiant with triumph. “I had to call in favours, trawl through records, chase leads but I did it. Im so glad.”
He didnt get to finish. Victorias palm struck him across the face, a sharp, ringing slap. Her eyes glistened with tears of rage and hurt. She stared at him, baffled and betrayedhow could he? Shed said it again and againshe wanted nothing to do with her mother, that part of her life was finished!
“What are you doing?” Alex gasped, clutching his cheek, shocked. “I did all this for you! I wanted to help, to do something good”
Victoria stayed silent. Words deserted herinside, she was churning with anger and agony. It felt as though Alexthe one person shed trusted completelyhad kicked the ground out from under her, breaking the only rule that mattered: never meddle in her past. Now, everything shed buried deep was dragged out and exposed, all because of his well-meaning intentions.
The woman looked from Victoria to Alex, bewildered, at a total loss. She tried to speak but stopped, seeing the look on her daughters face.
“I never asked you to find her,” Victoria finally said, barely audible. Her voice was steady, though she trembled within. “I told youplainlythat I didnt want this. But you did it anyway!”
Alex let his hand drop, but he was lost for words. He watched Victoria, desperate for any sign that she might relent, that her anger would cool, but saw only cold determination.
“I was clearI dont want to hear a word about that woman!” Victorias body shook with fury. She looked at Alex, and her eyes reflected not just fresh hurt, but a deep, festering pain he had torn back open. “That mother left me on a bench at Euston when I was four! Alone! At a station crawling with strangers! In thin clothes! And you think I can forgive that?”
All colour drained from Alexs face, but he stood his ground, straightening as if to lend his words authority.
“Shes your mum! It doesnt matter what shes done. Shes still your mum!”
At that, the woman edged forward, her voice small, apologetic, almost like an appealyet she didnt seem to believe it herself.
“You were unwell so often, I couldnt always afford medicine,” she began, each word an effort. “Then this job came along and I intended to come back, take you back, honestly. Once I sorted myself out, we could have been together again”
Victoria turned to her. There was not the faintest trace of sympathy in her lookonly the steely bitterness of years endured.
“Take me back from where? The graveyard?” Her voice was brittle, almost savageshe couldnt keep it in any longer. “You couldve contacted childrens services, said you needed help for a while. Or asked the hospital if I was so ill! But not left me on the street! Not in the cold, not alone, not unprotected!”
Alex, scrambling for a way to stop the swelling row, reached for Victorias hand. His touch was gentle, but she instantly pulled back, not even sparing him a glance.
“The past is behind you, you need to focus on the future,” he insisted, as if desperately trying to convince both her and himself. “You always dreamt of having family at our weddingIve made that dream come true”
Victoria fixed him with a look of such disappointment that Alex physically shrunk back.
“Ive already invited Mrs Taylormy childrens home headand Miss Carter, my key worker,” she said, her voice small but unyielding. “They were real mothers to me! They stood by me when everything was dark. They supported me, taught me, cared for me. Theyre my family!”
She yanked her hand away from Alex and, without looking back, stormed out of the park. Her feet carried her without thought, down winding paths, past benches and flower beds, far from the conversation, the words, the man she trusted more than anyone. Inside, a hurricane raged so wild it made her chest hurt. She never expected such a deep betrayal from her fiancé.
Shed never hidden anything from him. On the contraryshed shared everything about her childhood, honestly, without sugar-coating anything, including those early weeks in care when she foolishly hoped her mother would return. Alex said he understood. Yet he went and found the woman anyway. Dragged her here. Doesnt matter what shes done, shes your mumhis words echoed in her mind, twisting the dagger.
“Never!” she vowed. She would never let that woman back into her life. She would never pretend any of this hadnt happened.
Without slackening her pace, she left the park for the street outside, walking without any particular destination. Thoughts spun in confusion; her mothers face flickered before her eyesthe face shed seen today, older, anxious, awkwardly smiling. Victoria clenched her fists, forcing the vision away. All she wanted was distance.
She didnt even go back for her things at Alexs flat. Luckily, she hadnt moved much injust a couple of bags, some personal bits. Theyd planned to move fully after the wedding, most of her possessions were still in the little council flat shed been allocated. That made everything easier. The main thing was not to go back there now, while every sight and reminder of Alex would only sting more.
Her phone vibrated in her pocket again and againAlex, calling over and over. Victoria stared at the screen. She saw his name but didnt answer. She was terrified that if she picked up, shed say something unforgivable. Better to leave it till the first storm passed.
But Alex wouldnt give up. Besides calls, he sent her several voice notes. His voice was sharp, almost angry:
“Victoria, youre behaving like a child! I was only trying to help, but you Youre just ungrateful! Its nothing but a tantrum!”
The next message was colder still:
“Ive made my mind up. Linda will be at the wedding. Full stop. I wont change things just for your sake. We will maintain family ties, and our children will call her Grandma. Thats how its supposed to be!”
Victoria listened while waiting at the bus stop, feeling herself contract inside with every word. She switched off the phone and slipped it into her coat, lifting her gaze to the steely sky. Her whole world had fractured, and she had no idea howor ifit could ever be repaired.
She stared at her phone for some time, rereading Alexs last message, his harsh, final words”Linda will be at the wedding. Full stop.” The sentences might as well have been carved into her mind, giving her not a moments peace.
She opened her messages, typed a brief reply, and read it back four times. The words were simple, unmistakable, with no room for doubt: “There wont be a wedding. I dont want to see either of you ever again.”
She hit Send, watched the little tick appear to show it was delivered, and then put the phone down.
The screen lit up almost immediatelyAlex was calling again. Victoria stayed motionless. More messages followed, but she didnt read them. Instead she opened her contacts, found her fiancés number, and calmly added him to the blocked list.
Peace at lastno calls, no notifications, no desperate attempts to reach her. Silence wrapped around her, warm as a blanket, bringing a rare measure of calm.
Perhaps one day shed regret this. Maybe But right now, at this moment, it was the only right thing. As the storm inside her slowly faded, something quiet and clear began to settle.
This was how it had to be. There could be no future with someone capable of such a betrayal.
