A Life on Hold
Mum, can I have a chocolate from the box? Just one! Please! Ellie wheedled around the cupboard where Mum, with considerable effort, had hidden away the precious sweets.
No! Theyre for Christmas. Youll eat them all and therell be nothing left for when everyones round.
Ellie pouted. What was the point in having the chocolates if you couldnt eat one now and again? She wasnt asking for the whole lot, just one. Why was Mum always like this? Anything nice, save it for later. Anything pretty, for best. Shed have loved to put on her new dress the one Dad had brought back from London and go visiting her friend Lucy. For some reason, Lucys mum never minded her wearing new things to nursery. Ellie suspected it was because Miss Andrews stitched them herself, not bought them, but so what? Lucy always looked the smartest at playgroup and Ellie was stuck in her tired old polka-dot dress, sick to the back teeth of it.
Back then, Ellie had no idea just how hard her parents worked for those sweets and fancy clothes. Mum was a librarian, Dad an engineer. From as far back as she could recall, shed heard the expression pulling a few strings. It meant something new might appear at home something you could never just pick up at the shops. That was how she got her pretty shoes, and Mum her new boots. Mind you, after Mum bought the boots, theyd eaten nothing but potatoes and pasta for nearly a month, but Mum was so delighted she didnt even wear them straightaway just admired them lovingly. Oddly enough, those boots stuck in Ellies memory so vividly, even as an adult, she remembered each scuff and worn heel.
Time passed; everything changed. The shops, once near-empty, filled with anything you could want. Sweets, new clothes none of it was hard to buy anymore. There was a new problem though: money. Ellie was in Year 9 when, one evening, Dad came home grinning:
I got the job!
She didnt really understand what it meant but, seeing her parents joy, she understood it was something good. It was. The company Dad joined made electronics and, finally, his skills counted for something. Something changed in Dad too he found his stride, became more outgoing, discovered talents hed never known. Before long, hed moved upwards.
Life was easier for everyone. Mum no longer squinted over her accounts each evening, desperately seeking a way to stretch the budget for Ellies new things. Ellies first pair of jeans appeared, then trendy trainers, and more besides. Gone was the urge to leave school early and work she aimed for university, and her parents encouraged her every step. She spent two years with her books, skipped every party and her friends, sat her A-Levels with flying colours, and became a student. Now she could relax, but no, she thought otherwise: study first, good job second shed sort the rest later. And so she did. With a First, courtesy of Dads connections in the right place at the right time, she landed a proper job. It seemed everything had finally come together. Now, she could think of herself perhaps even her own family.
But still, Ellie held off. Work, career, never again worrying about what to wear, where to live Her parents beamed with pride. Shed done it all: clever, successful, bought her flat and car by herself. Holidays abroad. Except she was still alone.
It didnt faze Ellie. She was never the shy wallflower type, never lacked admirers, but relationships? Why bother just yet? There was so much to do while she was still young; children would be a distraction.
Her first serious relationship came at thirty-five with Victor, a colleague shed sat near for years with only polite hellos and goodbyes. Shed never realised he liked her, let alone loved her. Victor was the sort Ellie most admired: good-looking, clever, quietly confident. Hed been too shy to confess his feelings openly until, at a work do, more relaxed than usual, Ellie rested her tipsy head on his shoulder during a dance.
Marry me. Were both settled, the years are flying by. Time to start a family. Ive liked you for ages. Actually I love you, Ellie!
She laughed softly,
Oh, Victor, dont be daft! Weve all the time in the world.
But in the morning, she woke, looked into his eyes, and, surprising even herself, heard her voice say,
All right.
They had a proper wedding full of laughter and tears, her mother Anne-in-joy, whod long given up hoping for grandchildren. Three years flashed by. And then it all crashed down: Ellie, clutching medical test results, could barely speak through the tears.
Its over, Mum. My future its gone. Why was I such a fool?
Sweetheart, give it time. Its only one opinion. Medicines advancing every year. Things could change.
When, though? Ellie flung the papers aside, pages scattering across the lounge.
Her parents refused any money for repairs or new furniture for their old flat, despite Dad being retired and unwell, Mum tied to home. Still, Ellie managed little bits, ignoring their protests, making sure their fridge was well stocked and replacing what she could. Shed redecorated ten years ago, but looking at the walls, it struck her perhaps the paper should be updated, the floorboards sanded. Funny what comes to mind when your hard-fought life is crumbling
Dont you see, Mum? Times the very thing I dont have
They sat for ages in the dusk, not noticing the ringing phone, not speaking much. Ellie wept, calmed, then sat quietly, unwilling to talk any more about things beyond discussion. Finally, peering through the gloom, she murmured,
Thank you, Mum.
For what, darling?
For hearing me out. Theres nobody else now. Ive nowhere left to go.
Dont say that! Anne reached out, resting her hand on Ellies lips. We need you. Dad needs you. Victor needs you
Not Victor. Not now.
Why, Ellie?
Because this is my problem, not his. He hasnt time, either. He can still have children, maybe.
Ellie stood, briefly hugged her mother and, ignoring further objections, set off for home.
Ill be all right, Mum, dont worry. With a blown kiss, she closed the door, and Anne slumped onto a hallway chair, whispering a desperate prayer. Why, Lord, my girl?
Driving home felt unbearable, so Ellie detoured to the Thames embankment. This time of year, it wasnt the prettiest place for a walk, and barely anyone was about just a couple of dog walkers and an elderly pair, collars up against the autumn chill.
Ellie watched them pass and, overcome, began to sob. Once, shed dreamed of growing old together, sharing wordless glances, having a life truly shared None of that would ever be, now. For the first time, she realised she had loved Victor all along, always putting off the realisation, just as shed put off everything else. But it didnt matter anymore. Because when you really love someone, its their happiness you should be thinking of, not your own.
Staring at the cold, alien river, Ellie remembered weekend walks with her parents. Shed always delayed her only treat an ice cream for as long as possible. Rain or shine, they always had one, and, oddly, she never once came down with a sore throat from the ice cream, even in winter. Shed never experience that with her own children
Shaking herself, she thought, Enough now! No amount of self-pity would change a thing. Time to move on, to find something anything to give her reason to live. Suddenly, all her successes seemed worthless, and Ellie finally knew: no career, achievement, or amount of money could fill the loss she felt. Shed have to seek meaning elsewhere. For now, at least, there was something urgent to resolve. After all, if her own time was hers, Victors was not.
She headed for her car and froze. A knot of teenagers hovered nearby. The street was empty If something happened, who would help? If something happened did it even matter anymore?
She thrust chilled hands deeper in her pockets and strode up.
Whats going on here?
The boys, about sixteen, turned to her at once.
Is this your car, miss?
Yes.
Under the bonnet we need to open it! Got to get something! they all started chattering, and Ellie realised they werent about to attack her. It was something else.
Wait! One at a time. Whats under there?
They glanced at each other before the smallest stepped forward. The leader, Ellie noted.
Theres a kitten. We saw it climb up into the car, maybe on the wheel, perhaps higher. Weve got to get it, or itll get stuck or hurt.
Ellie raised an eyebrow.
Are you sure?
Positive. They sneak in for the warmth, especially when its cold.
She pressed the key fob, unlocked the doors, and popped the bonnet. As the boys extracted a struggling, coal-black kitten, she yelped,
Oh, goodness! Careful!
Cheeky devil! The leader laughed, handing the now passive kitten to Ellie. Here, you take it!
Me? Ellie took the filthy little cat. But Ive never had a pet What do I do with him?
Youll manage! Just keep him fed!
The boys laughed, then wandered further along the embankment. But Ellie suddenly remembered:
Hang on! She dug in her pocket for a note a crisp five-pound note. Mum always says you cant help a stray without a coin or two.
Thanks! They grinned, waved, and disappeared.
Back in her car, Ellie gazed at the unexpected addition to her life.
And what am I supposed to do with you?
The kitten, now making himself comfortable on her lap and kneading her pale mac with dirty paws, merely purred louder.
Right then Im officially old and with a cat. Lovely. Home we go.
She postponed talking to Victor till morning, spending her evening instead tending the kitten.
How did you pick up so many fleas? What a nightmare! You little terror! How did I end up falling for this trick? Ellie muttered in the bathroom, scrubbing the kitten while Victor stood by with a towel.
Odd
What is?
Most cats hate water, but this one doesnt seem bothered. Sits quietly.
Hes purring! Cant you hear his little engine?
Wrapping the shrunken, sodden kitten in a towel, she declared,
Thats it! Supper next.
With a full belly, the kitten snuggled beside Ellie on the sofa, quietly snoring. Victor finally voiced the question on his mind:
Howd it go at the doctors, Ell? Any news?
Ellie took a deep breath. She might have waited till morning, but what was the point?
I think we should separate, Victor.
What? Why on earth!?
Because I cant have children. Its all my fault. You still have time. You could find someone, raise a family.
Victor looked at her as if seeing her afresh.
Is that it, then? You think Im a machine pick one woman, discard another? Ellie, really! Its never crossed your mind that I love you and, as far as Im concerned, having kids isnt the main thing. All that matters to me is you not some imaginary replacement. But youve made your mind up already, havent you?
He scooped up the yawning kitten and shot her a look.
Ill sleep in the study tonight. Goodnight.
Ellie nodded, waited for him to leave, then quietly burst into tears. How could she be such an idiot? Still, a niggling doubt gnawed at her. He says that now, but in two, three years what then?
She brooded all night, weighing up her life with Victor, considering every angle, but, in her heart, believed her decision was right. Gallantry is fleeting; regret lasts. Victor would never reproach her he was too kind.
Ellie eventually drifted off at dawn, curled up with her head on the armchair. She didnt hear Victor get up, feed the kitten, leave for work. She woke near midday, snuggled under a thick throw, and found a note on the table: Back tonight well talk. Dont think youll run out on me; not a chance! I love you.
The kitten sat at her feet, enormous green eyes unblinking.
Well then? Ellie yawned, joints creaking. Coffee first, I think. Want some?
For the first time in days, she smiled as the kitten scampered eagerly to the kitchen.
Youre making yourself at home, I see
As she made the coffee, it struck her that things seemed lighter today. Whether Victors note, or simply that time was doing its healing work, she didnt know. But it was easier, somehow. There was no clear plan, no inkling of hope, but the air felt different; life must go on.
She rang work, called in sick, then booked a haircut and manicure. Getting ready, she left the flat.
The city was soaked through, rain pouring down. Cars ploughed through puddles, and not a hope of the weather clearing. By the time she got to her car, umbrella forgotten, she was drenched. Still, she forced herself to continue. Action, not another afternoon of weeping.
At the salon, the queue ran late. Ellie waited, leafing through the nearest magazine: adverts, features about motherhood, childhood She glanced at the cover and gave a bitter laugh. Of all the vacuous glossies, shed picked up the one about families. Why was it even here? She flicked through, froze at a centre spread: twin green eyes just like the kittens stared back. A little boy; about three or four. For a moment, Ellie was certain she knew him. Something about him was painfully familiar. She tore her gaze away, read under the photograph, and went still.
The stylist began looking round for her, surprised to find her client gone as was the magazine, not that anyone noticed.
Victor was surprised as she barged into his office, but said nothing. Hed never seen her so animated.
Look, Ellie put the magazine under his nose, pointing at the photograph.
Whos he, Ellie?
I dont know. Just a name and age printed underneath. But look!
She gripped Victors shoulders, yanking him in front of the mirrored partition between their offices.
Doesnt he look familiar?
Victor peered at the photo, then at his own reflection and started. The boy was his spitting image, thirty-odd years younger.
Incredible. Ellie, are you sure?
Im not sure of anything, Vic. For all I know, this magazines months old. Maybe hes already with his family. Ive no idea except that I cant bear to wait any longer, for anything!
Six months later, they brought Samuel home from the orphanage. Two years on, Ellie spotted a picture of a little girl in a similar magazine. Marianne was just a year and a half, and she became Ellies world. Five years later, thinking her strange symptoms were early menopause, Ellie was astonished when the doctor told her otherwise.
You must be joking!
Julia arrived right on time to the amazement of their now large family.
Anne got to meet her youngest granddaughter, managing one last year despite her illness, cherishing every moment with the children.
Youre my joy My life is in you
Sorting through Annes things after her passing, helping her father prepare to move, Ellie found a box at the back of the wardrobe. Opening it, she gasped, then sobbed so hard her children rushed to her, panic-stricken.
Mum! Are you all right? Sam put his arms round her.
Ellie lifted out her mothers old boots, hugged them tight, and cried until the pain finally ebbed. Shed stayed stoic when Anne passed, held it together at the funeral, but now, facing the boots, she cracked.
Why are you crying, Mum? Marianne knelt beside her, struggling to meet Ellies gaze. Failing, she just hugged her neck and started to cry too.
Julia joined in, little more than a wail, until Victor, catching Sams eye, brought the drama to a halt.
Right, enough! Ellie, love, whats happened?
Both girls fell silent, turning to Dad. All would be well; if Dad was calm, Mum would stop crying soon enough.
Oh, Victor She kept them. All these years.
Ellie put aside the boots and reached further into the wardrobe. Everything linen, towels, all the trousseau shed once refused to take, saying the colour didnt match her new décor was still carefully stored, filled with lavender sachets, carrying the faintest scent. Even the beautiful sheet Anne had never used, the lace yellowed, embroidery faded
Victor How is it that people go, but their things remain? Why, oh why, do we always save things for later? We dont seize life now, just wait for some imaginary right moment. But that moment might never come Its wrong. Its unfair.
Victor wrapped his arms round her. There was nothing to say; Ellie was right.
Julia sidled up and hugged Ellies leg, lifting bright green eyes, just like her fathers and brothers.
Mummy!
Ellie froze, barely daring to hope, but Victor nodded. She knelt down,
Say that again?
Mummy! Julia climbed into her arms and cuddled her. Mummy
Sam and Marianne cheered, clapping,
She said Mummy! Sam winked at his dad. You win, Dad.
Guess its the zoo next, Victor replied.
When? Marianne shrieked. This weekend?
Why wait? Ellie kissed her youngest girl, nuzzling noses. Theres no reason to save treats for later. Lets go today!
She glanced at the jumble of things on the floor those could safely wait. That, she finally understood.
Driving, she listened to her childrens laughter, and wondered whether anyone really knew how to ensure their childrens happiness. Perhaps not, but she would do her best to teach them one thing: never put life on hold. Because later is a fickle thing. Just as you sense the perfect time is almost here, everything changes and it slips away forever.
Can we have ice cream?
Now? Sam frowned. But we havent had lunch yet!
Theres time. What do you say?
Yes! The children cheered; Victor smiled.
Youre spoiling them, Mummy.
Of course I am, Daddy. When else, if not now?
